Mountainious traverse

After taking its sweet time traveling across the continent, causing many a worry about whether she'll ever arrive, Maplehoof finally landed in my waiting arms.

 So instead of posing her around town, I decided to try and somewhere more impressive than various bullshit buildings and sculptures of a backwater eastern-european country capitol.

Little did she know that this innocuous ELECTRICAL CATALFAQUE ride would lead to dire straits.

  Who's this douchebag?

No, go back, this is the completely wrong place, there is absolutely no way you'll get the opportunity to create a hilarious GIF involving a cannon, a police officer and the words "YOU ARE THE LAW NEIGH". So how about getting on with the programme?

You find yourself at the foothills of an ominous mountain.

The only way to go is ahead.

 You find an ominous tunnel ahead of you.

You enter the tunnel. There is absolutely no reason not to do so.

 You follow the path ahead.

There is a sign ahead, written in unrecognizable and likely illegal language. It appears to be some kind of primitive warning.

-> Ascend

 More illegal pictography.

 You spend the next hour climbing the frozen foot trails at a snail's pace.

The mountain  has defeated you. You descend in defeat. The mountain climbs the echeladder, reaching the vaunted TECTAUNTER rung.

 You pause to catch your breath at a strange structure.

 The depth and breadth of your mistake catches up to you. It would appear you have taken the LEFT trail, whereas you should have clearly taken the RIGHT.

-> Be the other Maplehoof

 You are now a different Maplehoof in a slightly less doomed timeline.

 During your ascent, you take the opportunity to replenish your strength.

-> Observe foliage

You find a striking scarcity of oats or greenery or anything at all that is delicious to chew on. This is as compelling a reason as any to continue upwards.

-> Chronicle your traverse

You proceed to document a highly poetic diatribe in your PINK BOOK.

 Primitive dwellings erected by the consorts of this land.

 Small units of local consorts milling about the mountaintop.

 

You observe the breadth of the LAND OF COTTAGES AND LUMBER for a length of time before remembering you're starving and deciding to DESCEND.

 -> Board the SUSPENSION POD

 It appears that the suspension pods are unpowered. You see no way to restore their power during your adventure

-> Descend the conventional way

 You have a nagging feeling you took a wrong turn somewhere.

 More strange structures.

-> Consider the possibility you might be lost.

 

  You seriously cannot believe how unbelievably lost you are.

-> Eventually find civilization

 After sweeps of searching and adventures too exciting to describe here, you finally leave the mountain and continue on your trot.